+ Comment to be added. Don't just add me and expect me to see it right away. Oh, and it would be nice to know where you found my journal or from which site we know each other.
+ I only update whenever I feel like it. That might be a few entries a day or weeks without a single one. Deal with it.
+ Don't judge me just on what you read here. If you want to get the full picture of me, talk to me somewhere other than LJ.
+ Don't bash what I write in here. It's either my my opinion or my feelings you are reading.
+ Let me know every once in a while that you're still reading. I might do the odd friends cut every now and then, so absolutely no signs of life=no reading any further.

Stolen from twocheeseplease :)

Answer with one word only:

01. Where is your cell phone? Pocket.
02. Your significant other? None.
03. Your hair? Brunette.
04. Your daughter? None.
05. Your son? None.
06. Your favorite thing? Music.
07. Your dream last night? None?!
08. Your favorite drink? Coffee.
09. Your goal? Life.
10. The room you’re in? Parlour.
11. Your church? Agnostic.
12. Your fear? Puppets.
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Alive.
14. Where were you last night? Home.
15. What you’re not? Outgoing.
16. Muffins? Yummy!
17. One of your wish list items? Diary.
18. Where you grew up? Germany.
19. The last thing you did? Working.
20. What are you wearing? Clothes.
21. Your TV? On.
22. Your pets? Dogs.
23. Your computer? Laptop.
24. Your life? Unsteady.
25. Your mood? Weird.
26. Missing someone? Alex :(
27. Your car? Peugeot.
28. Something you’re not wearing? Skirt.
29. Favorite store? Multimedia.
30. Your summer? Rainy.
31. Like(love) someone? No.
32. Your favorite color? Crimson.
33. Last time you laughed? Work.
34. Last time you cried? Forgotten.
35. Who will repost this? Hm...


Just like her, I'm not going to tag anyone, but feel free to do it :)

The best thing I have ever done in my life would be all the things I have learned about myself. It's the one thing I am most proud of. I have learned that I can go on even though the light at the end of the tunnel seems to be so far away that I won't ever reach it. I have learned that I can let myself love somebody and let them love me in return. I have learned that I can move on when it needs to be. I have learned that I can look back at my life without regrets. I have learned from my mistakes. I have learned that I learn something new every day. I have learned that something good happens when you least expext it. I have learned that there will always be surprises and things you can't expect or control.

Dear Patrick,
do you remember what you told me when we first started going out? I should keep thinking positively and everything would end up good. From this moment on, I always tried to think positively and sooner or later it worked without me trying. Even within the past few days and weeks, I never stopped trying to think positively. I still had the hope that there would be a chance for us, that all we needed to do was talk again. But slowly I start to realise that only hoping and thinking positively isn't enough.

We both made mistakes, nothing we can do about it now anymore. But still I had the hope that we'd make it through this. Maybe I was blind, maybe I should have been more alarmed when you said you'd need more time for yourself. Maybe I should have done a lot of things differently, but speculating about this now doesn't change anything.

It seems like our relationship or rather what's left of it has turned into a one-way conversation via mail. You read the messages I write, but still it seems like they never really reach you. It hurts to be pushed out of your life so suddenly after all that has been. Somehow I still had the hope I'd mean more to you than just that.

So, this is my goodbye. I will miss you, just like I already did the past few days and weeks. I'm sorry that my love alone wasn't enough to keep up what we once had. I've never been this happy before. I loved loving you and being loved by you. Never before made me someone feel this way. But that's over now...

Maybe one day we can talk again or meet up once all this stress is over and we put our lives back on track. Just let me know, you know where to find me. I will look forward to this day, if it should ever come...

In love,
Nadine

PS, I'll keep my fingers crossed that you will able to play the show on May 31st, even though I won't be there.



I had this letter written as an unsent letter, but in the end decided to send it after all. Though I won't ever get a reply...

Dear you,
if I don't get a reply tonight, I'm through with it. As much as it is hurting already or how much it is going to hurt, I can't take it anymore. I asked you a simple question: Do I have to be afraid that you're going to leave? But I got no reply at all.
A shoulder shrug doesn't help. You and you alone can answer this question. It's nothing I or someone else can do for you.
Please talk to me.
Love,
me

I fear this is the end.

Dear you,
thank you for holding me while I cried last night. You can't imagine how much that meant to me, so much more than you probably will ever know and I will ever be able to tell you.

Thank you for everything that you said. It was what I needed to hear so badly.

Now I know that it can work, we can do this. I love you so much and the thought alone of losing you makes my insides turn upside down. The last few days taught me that all I need to do is talk and I promise you from now on I won't wait that long anymore.

I love you,
me

Dear you,
sometimes I think that you are taking me and what I do for you or us for granted. And that hurts. I don't ask for much and you know that, but getting a random hug every once in a while or a simple "thank you" would be nice. You know, sometimes I wish you would just forget about the computer for a few hours and spent the time with me instead.
Do we really have such different ideas of what our relationship should be like? Sometimes I think that while I want it to progress you just want it to stay the way it is. I'm not sure to do with that. I honestly don't know how to talk to you about that.
Please help me with this, otherwise I don't know where we're going anymore.
Love,
me

I'm over at Patrick's right now and trying my hardest to stay awake. He's playing Red Steel on Wii, but needs my help working on the merch again once he's done with the level. Too bad I'm || this close to falling asleep.

Work, booking, merch designing, flyer designing, school, learning and what not is getting the best of me right now. I feel like I'm about to fall asleep any second just about 24/7. The good thing is, we only need to book one more show and then we're done. A club tour with ten concerts for them is far more than just okay. We just need to get the flyer for that show done and the tour flyer done in printing size and all is set. And to be honest, you can't imagine how happy I am about that.

While everything's going great right now, on the "downside" I still don't know what to get Patrick for Valentine's and our one year anniversary. I'm far too caught up in booking and all the designing stuff that I really don't have the time to think about that as well. Especially since it's his birthday two weeks after Valentine's I'm even more at a loss for ideas.

Though, I found some cute things on the internet I'm still not really sure. We'll see, we'll see...

Anyway, I'm off now, Patrick's done with his level. Back to designing for me now :(

I'll be sending out Christmas Cards again this year, so if you want to recieve one, let me know. All comments to this post will be screened, so no one else other than me will get your address. If you're uncomfortable with posting your address here, you can also email me at nadine.eberhard[at]gmail.com.

Also, this post isn't just open to my friends. I posted this public for a reason, so if you randomly stumbled across my journal and would like to recieve a card as well, feel free to leave your address as well =)

Christmas Wishlist 2007


[♥] Step One
[+] Make a post (public, friends locked, filtered...whatever you're comfortable with) to your LJ. The post should contain your list of 10 holiday wishes. The wishes can be anything at all, from simple and fandom-related ("I'd love a Snape/Hermione icon that's just for me") to medium ("I wish for _____ on DVD") to really big ("All I want for Christmas is a new car/computer/house/TV.") The important thing is, make sure these wishes are things you really, truly want.

[+] If you wish for real-life things (not fics or icons), make sure you include some sort of contact info in your post, whether it's your address or just your email address where Santa (or one of his elves) could get in touch with you.



[♥] Step Two
[+] Surf around your friends list (or friends friends, or just random journals) to see who has posted their list. And now here's the important part:

[+] If you see a wish you can grant, and it's in your heart to do so, make someone's wish come true. Sometimes someone's trash is another's treasure, and if you have a leather jacket you don't want or a gift certificate you won't use--or even know where you could get someone's dream purebred Basset Hound for free--do it.

[+] You needn't spend money on these wishes unless you want to. The point isn't to put people out, it's to provide everyone a chance to be someone else's holiday elf--to spread the joy. Gifts can be made anonymously or not--it's your call.

[+] There are no rules with this project, no guarantees, and no strings attached. Just...wish, and it might come true. Give, and you might receive. And you'll have the joy of knowing you made someone's holiday special.


[♥] Step Three
[+] Post your wishlist to your livejournal/blog! you never know, someone may be able to grant you a holiday wish!

( My wish list )

Dear you,
wow, this is the forth letter I'm writing to you. And I can honestly say that this is not a good thing.
I read through my old MySpace message. Can I tell you something? I miss it. I miss it all. The messages, the things you did. What happened? Reading all this seemed like it all happened years and years ago and not just at the beginning of this year.
I read through my old text messages. They were all so sweet and caring and so different to how they are today. Nowadays I only get a message to tell me that you're going to be late or that I can come over. What happened to the messages spread all over the day?
What happened to us? No random cuddles, no random messages, no ramdon kisses, nothing anymore. When I talk to you, talking to a wall would have the same effect. Are you even listening?
I love you, I truely and honestly do, but right now I'm thinking of ending it all. And you can't imagine how much the thought alone hurts. But you have to understand that I'm not just someone you call to come over just so you don't have to sleep alone. I'm not just someone you call whenever you feel like it. I'm not just someone you call to sit on your couch while you do God knows what else.
You have to understand that I have feelings too and that you are hurting them. I'm sorry, but moving out of my way when I lean over to you is pretty much self-explanatory. What have I done wrong that you are getting more and more distant with every day? What have I done that you are more and more avoiding me?
I know that I'm not an easy person. I know that I can be pretty complicated at times. But at least I try my best. You on the other hand don't seem to try at all. I don't know what to do anymore. All I know is that it can't go on like this anymore. And the thought of breaking up with you is more present than ever.
But it's not my turn anymore. I tried to talk to you. I tried to find out what's going on. Nothing came back. Now it's all up to you. Just know that I'm getting closer and closer to ending it every day.
Please, don't let it get there.
I love you.
Sincerly,
me

I just came back from the doc. I have the ful. Hooray - not. Definitely no work until next week. Depending on how I feel on Saturday or Monday, I have to see the doc again on Monday. This is so not fun.

The band of my boyfriend needs your help again. They are currently number one in the Six Feet Under voting, the one I posted the flyer of the last time, which is absolutely amazing. We both still can't believe it, but the chances of them really opening at the show are more than high right now.

But - they entered a second competition. Winning that one will mean them playing at the official record release showcase of Maroon's new album. The poll only lasts until Wednesday, so we need your votes as fast as possible. Just click the flyer, chose Call of Charon from the list, enter your email address and the confirm your vote.

Sadly because someone hacked the first poll for this show, the results are hidden now. As far as we know, they were number two earlier today, but knowing one of the bands, every vote definitely counts this time. So please, please, please vote for them and even though you can't come to the show, might not like the music at all or whatever else, please also tell all your friends.

Thanks so much already :D

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Hey, hey,

my boyfriend is the shouter of the local hardcore/deathcore band Call of Charon and they entered a contest to support Six Feet Under for one show in December.

While it already looks quite good - they're on the fifth place right now and only entered the voting a week ago - they need every vote they can get. So, PLEASE do me the favour and vote for them. Just click the flyer, enter your details and confirm the email address and with that your vote. That's all. It takes less than a minute and helps them out big time.



Real update some time soon.

Dear you,
I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe to prepare myself for later on tonight. Maybe I just need to make sure beforehand that I have put everything I feel and want/need to say into words and that I'm not going crazy.
Something's changed. Maybe we have changed. Today last week it has been six months. Why do I feel that within simple seven days everything has changed? You don't talk to me. And when I ask you say everything is fine. Then why doesn't it feel like everything is fine?
When I said yesterday that I feel like I am homeless, I honestly meant it. I'm not at home at my family's anymore, but neither am I at home at your place. Where do I belong to?
I have always shown understanding that your music comes first and I'm just second in your life. But when you told me today that you have to go to rehearsal instead of talking to me when I asked you to really hurt.
I'm really not asking much of you. I don't want to recieve gifts every other day or always be greeted by flowers and chocolate when we see each other, but if you really love me the way you tell me you do, then all I'm asking for is a little space in your life. And that's not too much to ask for, is it? I'm just scared to what will come. I'll start to work in two weeks and won't have as much time as I have right now anymore. I won't be able to wait until 1am for a text message from you asking me to come over. I won't be able to stay up until 2 or 3am with you when I have to work the next day. I am scared that the less time I have the more everything will fall apart.
Crying myself to sleep at home already hurt, but crying myself to sleep three nights in a row while you were lying next to me and didn't want to or really didn't notice was killing me.
Seriously, I'm running out of ideas of what I could do. Do you need more space? Am I just seeing things? Do you want me to leave you alone? Am I getting on your nerves? Just tell me. You always said that the number one priority has to be that we have to talk to each other. Then why is all of a sudden everything else more important than talking? You said we were a team. Then why do I feel so alone? You were my safe haven when everything got out of hand at home, but right now I don't know what is worse.
I love you, I really do, but right now this is hurting me more than you could imagine. I'm scared of tonight. Maybe after all I don't want to find out what's going on anymore. But at the same time I know that it can't go on like this. Please, let us find a way to work this out. I love you too much to just lose you like this.
All my love,
me

Dear boy,
you seriously confuse the hell out of me.
Please enlighten me very soon by saying what you mean instead of speaking in riddles or hinting at something and then ignoring my questions. It's honestly driving me nuts not knowing what you're trying to tell me and I'm very sorry, but I can't read your mind.
Love,
a very confused me

Written by a sarcastic, sexually frustrated woman? I think so. They made me laugh nonetheless ;)

( Cut for those who don't want to read them )

Dear you,

I don't really know why I am writing this letter to you. It's not like we don't see each other and talk every day. Within the past two months and five days, we have only spent 4 days without each other, one because you didn't have time at all, one because you had a show and I had to work, one because I fell asleep and one because we fought. Though, if I remember correctly now, the day you didn't have time doesn't even fall under these two months and five days. It was the day before everything really started.

You show and tell me every day how much I mean to you. You say that even if everything is going down hill on certain days, I am the only one that can make you forget everything again. You say that, with just being there, I have done so much for you already. You also said that you are scared. Scared that this will turn out just like the last time for you. Scared that it is not what you think it is. Scared that you will fall back down again. You keep calling me the most precious thing in your life right now.

And without knowing it, you have helped me so much. Within this short amount of time you have changed me so much already. You have just been there. Without asking, without demanding anything. We have devloped slowly. From you and me to us. Just holding your hand gives me just as much butterflies in my stomach as kissing you. I love falling asleep in your arms and waking up next to you. You are the one thing that is constantly on my mind.

Yet, I am scared too. I am scared that I will do something wrong. I am scared that it is not what I make it out to be. I am scared that it is more for me than it is for you. At the same time, I am thankful. Thankful for everything that you have done for me already. The trust I had lost, you gave it back to me. The hope I had lost, I finally found it again.

I think, even if it ended tomorrow, I would still be glad that I have met you. I would be sad, no doubt about it. Sad would probably even an understatement, judging how I felt the day we fought. I was crushed and it wouldn't change if it ended in a few days, weeks or months. But still, you have given me so much. You have rebuilt things that even years long friendships couldn't rebuild.

My family always said that it nearly killed them that I couldn't express my feelings. You have changed that already and I am able to say "I love you" again, but I am scared that it is still not enough. You are the complete opposite of me when it comes to this. It seems like you have no problem saying that you love me or how important I am for you. It is still difficult for me.

But, I honestly mean it when I say that I love you. And by now I know that it is not just a crush, but that I am in love with you. Usually I would have run away. Usually it would have been my normal reaction. I would have run as far and as fast as humanly possible. It has been years since I have let someone this close. Not even the people I called my best friends in the past had it that easy. But you are making it more than easy for me to open up to you. I don't mind talking to you about certain things. I don't mind telling you about my past.

I can't thank you enough. And I can't express my feelings enough. I just hope that what I can give is good enough for you. And if it is not, then I hope that you will tell me.

Yours truely,
Nadine

Thanks to the lovely gawariel at gawariel_design I have a new layout. And I absolutely love it.

She made it for me, but check out her community for other awesome free layouts if you're looking for a new one.